When children or teenagers become overwhelmed by strong emotions such as sadness, despair, frustration or anxiety – the secondary emotion anger can often come out on top. Rather than being able to verbalise the real emotion they are struggling with, they display angry behaviour – either because they don’t yet have the tools to be able to reflect upon and uncover the real emotion or because they are only too aware of the real emotion and feel unable to talk about this with someone close. So how can we help? Here’s a step by step guide on how to start emotion coaching your child (or partner…)
1. Let your child express negative feelings without judging them. 2. Ask yourself the question – “am I really listening to my child, or waiting to tell them what I think, or what solution I think will work?” 3. Reflect the feelings you hear or observe in their non-verbal language. Ask how they are feeling not why they are feeling that way. The facts will come later at their pace. 4. Slow down the conversation – give feedback that you want to take the time to fully understand the event that triggered the behaviour (and the emotions). 5. Emotional outbursts are teaching opportunities – problem solve with them, share your own childhood or adult experiences of the same emotions if relevant – role model with these stories on how you coped with such emotions. 6. If required, acknowledge the child/teen’s effect upon you – you might stop and say “I’ve stopped the car, you have my full attention..what don’t I understand, tell me more – what am I missing?” 7. Focus on the behaviour not the child’s character – in times of high emotion children/teens take on board those remarks that are about them directly, so be mindful to separate the behaviour from the child. “That behaviour was foolish”..not “you’re an idiot, stupid, etc”.Over time such direct remarks will have an impact on a child’s self-esteem. 8. Talk about the consequences of your child’s behaviour and set limits. But make them timely and relevant not punitive. 9. Problem solve with your child/teen about what could be done differently next time, when this overwhelming emotion comes along.
