Brain adaptability- New technology has confirmed that the brain is actually flexible, that we learn throughout the course of our life not just childhood. Experiences shape how we interpret the world around us. Our brains aren’t fully developed until mid twenties. What we experience as individuals activates neurons and when neurons fire together they make new connections. Over time this results in the rewiring of the brain.
Wiring our brains to deal with difficult emotions – Parents who speak with their children about their feelings and provide experiences (role modelling) of dealing with difficult emotions, have children who develop emotional intelligence. Sharing our own experiences, reading books together about key emotions and discussing events from the perspective of others, all broaden a child’s emotional vocabulary.
The role of left and right brain –
Left brain – desires order, is logical, literal, uses words, focuses on details of events and processes information in a linear way(events in order).
Right brain – holistic, processes non-verbal information, focuses on the big picture not the detail, specialises in images, emotions and stored personal memories.
Technically the brain is directly influenced by the body and lower brain (limbic) areas – which enable you to receive emotional information and interpret it via the amygdala. The limbic area deals with emotion, behaviour, long-term memory and motivation. If our right brain takes over –we are flooded with emotions, (bodily sensations, images, emotionally significant memories) – and the logical, left hand side has been usurped.
Integration of left and right – when both sides of the brain are integrated then a child demonstrates the attributes of someone who is mentally and emotionally healthy – adaptive, stable, flexible, with self awareness and awareness of the world around them.
Reach the right brain first – Tune in to the right hand side of the brain (of our child/teenager) first – using emotion coaching techniques – before attempting to involve the left hand side of the brain and use logic, reasoning, problem solving (higher level thinking). Remember – When a child is upset, logic often will not work until we have responded to the right hand side of the brain’s emotional needs. Asking a child why they are angry when they’re in a full melt down or asking a child to “use your words”, generally wont garner a logical response from your child.
As a note – our own levels of current self-care and childhood experiences (of dealing with strong emotions) will impact our own capacity to engage empathically with the other person. Whether we are triggered by an event or by a strong emotion our child is displaying, will impact how we respond.
Emotion coaching – This style of parenting tunes in to the right hand side of the brain, helps the child/teen feel heard and understood – attempts to label the emotion they’re experiencing. This focus on their internal world fosters empathy. Neuroscience has shown that naming the overwhelming emotion, calms down the activity of right hand brain emotional circuitry. “Being with” the overwhelming emotion of the other person, not distracting or diverting, but empathising with that person, lowers the intensity of their emotions.