Emotional intelligence – talked about from the corporate world to the world of parenting. What is it? Why is it important? How do we foster this in ourselves and others? Emotional intelligence is the ability to self reflect on our own emotions, understand what triggers our emotional outbursts and learn to regulate our emotions. This in itself is important when being in relationships with others – but research has uncovered that children who are emotionally coached by their parents have better peer/family relationships, are able to self soothe, perform well at school and are more empathic towards others. Those who are able to understand and regulate their emotions as they grow up, suffer less in terms of mental health issues as adults and are less likely to turn to other methods to manage their feelings of emotional distress, such as alcohol or drugs. So how do we emotion coach? 1. Observe when emotions are of a higher intensity than normal. 2. Reflect in a non judgemental, tentative style – your observations on what you think the child/teen/partner is emotionally feeling. Name the emotion. With younger children you actively build their emotional vocabulary. 3. Allow time for the other person to specifically label what they’re feeling as an emotion. If they don’t want to talk at that point – don’t push it. You can always return to the topic when they’re calm and ready to talk. With teenagers we allow them space to return to the topic when they are ready. We want to foster a closer relationship and this takes time. 4. Actively listen to why they’re feeling this way. Do not judge. Do not offer at this point your own solutions to the perceived problem. 5. Problem solve with other person (age appropriate) or with younger children, guide them to a solution. Dr John Rottmann (founder of this concept) stated that we only need to coach 30% of the time to see results. I’ve used this for years with good results especially with people who are anxious.
